Beauty, The Gross Girl Life

My First (and last) Bikini Wax

rhiannonschneiderman1

I’m not too bothered with my body hair, to be honest. If I was asexual, I probably wouldn’t even bother with it, becoming a human/beast hybrid, and loving every minute of it. Sadly, though, I am quite sexual, and that means dealing with my pubes every once in a while.

I usually shave, but a few years ago, I had the bright idea to get a bikini wax. I think probably because all my friends were getting them and I was getting jelly of their baby smooth bits. I’d only ever had my eyebrows waxed, and that was enough to get me teary eyed, so I have no idea why I would want to bring that same pain upon a much more sensitive area.

I think my first mistake was getting a Groupon for my wax. 70% off a dinner, sure, that sounds awesome. 70% off for a stranger to rip off your pubes doesn’t exactly have the same ring to it…

So I go into this little salon all aloney, and told the lady it was my first time getting waxed. She was blunt and brisk, and had no time for my virgin pubes. Fine, I thought, let’s get in, and get out and get this shit over with. From her attitude, I was already dreading it.

She takes me into a tiny ass room, I lay on the bench thingy half naked, as she wipes hot ass wax all. over. She didn’t give me a count down or anything, the next thing I knew, I heard a rip, aaaaaaand here come the damn tears.

I didn’t want to keep going but it was too late. She kept yelling at me to hold my stomach skin taut with my hands, but my hands were sweating profusely from the pain, and my tummy kept slipping away. After a fury of hot wax and rips, I sighed, thinking it was all over.

But noooooooo, next she pulls out the tweezers to pluck all the pubes she missed. I look down to see that there are a TON of stray hairs and I’m like…Are you fucking kidding me? At this point I’m numb anyway, so I brace myself for her spazzy plucking action before I finally get to get the hell out of there.

I think my last mistake was choosing to walk home in the sweaty New Orleans heat, which did not soothe the storm that was taking place in my crotch.

And a few days later, my pubes were back and better than ever. They thanked me for their little vacay, and I vowed never to go though that hell again. A few pubes never killed anyone.